Boundaries After A Break-up

Editor’s Note: I am consistently in awe of the grace and wisdom found in this community of women. Break-ups are some of the most painful experiences in our lives, and today, Megan writes on handling the aftermath. Megan Odegaard has an M.A. in Marital & Family Therapy from Bethel Seminary, San Diego. She is currently on staff at UCLA. You can follow her on Twitter: @meggo310. And sidenote? We have a question for you. – Lauren

“It’s called a break-up because it’s broken.” Greg Behrendt

“Great is the art of beginning, but greater is the art of ending.” Henry Wadswoth Longfellow

What does the word “break-up” stir up in you?

For me, it is the state of being in which emotions are raw to the core. Usually consisting of large amounts of shock, frustration, anger, and devastation. The person you thought you were going to have a beautiful life with is perhaps suddenly gone from your world. Or maybe you spent years trying to fix a problem and came up completely empty.

One thing seems universal following a break-up: You can’t help but crave that closeness again.

So what do we do? Maybe we use our circumstances to try to have a “chance” meeting. Or come up with a hundred reasons why texting or calling is a GREAT idea. At some point, we will probably resort to cyber-stalking (don’t even try to deny it!)

These things we do are an attempt to block us from the pain brought on by the loss of the relationship. The question always is looming: how long can we continue contact — and lessen the feeling of “loss” — before we have to create a boundary?

In this society of prolific communication, we can stay connected to people we perhaps shouldn’t. I mean, there are an infinite number of decisions – Do I delete this person from my Facebook, Twitter, G-Chat, YouTube, Instagram, Blogger and Tumblr accounts? And what about his mom and sister and best friend that I am also connected to?

One thing is clear — Breaking up is not so black-and-white these days. The boundaries can be very blurry.

I know for me, I have to do whatever it takes to disconnect myself from the comfort and security of connection with that person. Sometimes that means not talking for a long time or seeking out some new habits and friendships. Sometimes it means turning off facebook for awhile (because even if you delete the ex from your account… you still have 76 mutual friends that post about stuff involving the ex… ). It can turn into a daunting task.

I dated a guy once who happened to live next door. Which was amazing while we were together. Following the break-up, communication was pretty much severed. But there was a point when I realized that I took comfort in knowing every night when I came home, he was next door. Even though we weren’t really on speaking terms, and even though we both started to casually date other people, I still took comfort in his unspoken presence.

It took me almost a year to face the hard reality – Although it was easing the pain, if I ever really wanted to move on with my life, I would have to physically move apartments. Which was not ideal, because our place was great and cheap. (And I had lived there first. Not fair!) But after moving, I was instantly free from that final touch of emotional connection, and that feeling was priceless. Now having experienced some of the best years in my new place (and even successfully finding new love), I wonder what the heck took me so long.

The truth is — the longer you hold on, the longer you may be missing out on the blessings God has for you. You wouldn’t go back to a job you’d been fired from would you? (“But I really loved my job!”) And yet we find ourselves continually investing mental energy in relationships that aren’t right for us, whatever the reason may be. In one way, it could be seen as an admirable quality of perseverance. However, when it is over – truly over – no amount of negotiation, promise to change, or willpower to try harder can make something work that doesn’t. It is time to free yourself in order to be able to receive God’s best for you.

Which leads me to the next hard question – when do you have hope and when do you move on?

I wish I could answer that question for you, but I can only tell you this for certain. Knowing your identity makes all the difference in how you respond to a break-up.

What (or who) do you put your hope in? Do you seek comfort from past loves because it is easy, to assuage your own doubts of your worth? To calm your own fears of the future? Or do you embrace your calling as God’s child and trust that God is sovereign and has your best interest, even in (and especially in) this break-up?

I believe a break-up is one way God calls his children back to him. Relationships are very tangible sources of security and comfort. However, when you get so comfortable you start overlooking God’s will for your life, and what is best for you, it is possible to make a wrong turn.

“Much of the disappointment and heartache we experience is the result of our attempts to get something from relationships that we already have in Christ,” Timothy Lane & Paul David Tripp write in their book, Relationships: A Mess Worth Making. They go on to say (paraphrasing): If we seek our identity from other people, we will ride the roller coaster of their best and worst moments; we will become acutely aware of their weaknesses and failures; we will become overly critical, frustrated, disappointed, hopeless and angry because they have failed to deliver the identity we desperately seek.

However, if we remember that we are a beloved child of God, and that he has given us everything we need to be who he created us to be – we are freed up to truly love and serve others. We are free to be patient and forgiving, because we are not demanding anything in return. And we are free to mourn the loss of something special, appreciate it for the gift it was, and move on to better things for us.

So, in the face of a break-up, it is okay to be hurt, angry, and disappointed. It is okay to feel the looming pain of loss. But the sooner we embrace the appropriate boundary toward healing, the better. Even if the boundary is temporary. Even if we try one thing and have to change it. It is important to take a step away from communication for awhile and gain comfort in something besides that person. Do something you have always wanted to do, just for yourself. Take time with some great friends. Try a yoga class. Sign up for a marathon. Most importantly, seek God. It is in this place that you will find true healing, comfort and wisdom even in the midst of the most confusing relationships.

But if any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask of God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. – James 1:5

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Today I watched 'The Witness' (musical) by VFC and it got me thinking.

What does the witness mean? Does it mean that Paul was a witness of whatever Jesus had done thus making Jesus existence real? Or is it that we must be a witness for God? If so, are we being good witnesses? What even makes good witness anyway?

Miracles occur if you believe and pray. When I just came back from the toilet and the pastor said stand up, I prayed for Ching Han to accept Christ in a one-sentenced prayer. And a few lines later the pastor said to ask your non-christian friend of they wanna go forward and Ching Han went. God works in miraculous ways and if you ask for it then I guess God gives it to you.

I'm thinking of how Ching Han can go to church with me on Sundays cause her guzheng clashes with church. Or if she 'll even go in the first place. I need to stop thinking of the things that I can possibly do to make things happen for God's glory which is her going to church regularly. And start asking God to do it cause of what miracles and answered prayer I saw just now. Cause what I can't do, God can.

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my promise to myself was to leave you alone till april. 
and i'm gonna keep to it. no matter what it takes. 

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you're playing me.


cause you cant make up your mind if you still like me or not.

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Sometimes I just feel like you're being so hostile. And you dont wanna let me know you more. And these are the times I can't see through you like I normally can.


And when its like this, sometimes I wish I could just end this, right now. Cause if you're not gonna help make this work, I'm sorry but I can't do this alone. I'm just afraid of how people will think, what they will say, and how they see the situation.


And sometimes I wonder if you're even the one I'm going to want to marry. I guess I need the kind of affection that isn't in your personality to give, and I give the affection that isn't in your personality to take; to tell me im beautiful, and you're in love with me since the day we first met. Maybe you don't really care about such things but when you doesn't reciprocate it, I wonder if you even like me at all.

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A levels are coming in a year, and to be honest I feel the stress of it already.


Why?
It's just cause you're being so competitive and making me stressed out. And you know I don't do well at studies. Yet you still say things like you are stupid cause you do badly, well, I do worse. So am I supposed to feel I'm stupider?


Trying to set my priorities right, by that I mean without you in them, cause I know at the end of the day I'll be alone. Cause I so know you wont be there. Guaranteed.


Maybe it's better to stop it now, before it gets any worse.

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Let's just say I'm really jealous of you cause of your parents.

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With all the things to do, and with you in the picture, I never know whether I can get it done.

Cause time just doesn't seem to be enough.

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it's not about pursuing excellence in everything we do, it's about choosing to do the things that make a difference in someone's life with perfection.

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I realized I have a guy personality!

cause I love:

- sports

- changing car tyres

- pumping air into car wheels

- sliding around in the mud

thinking of more.

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who do you think you are running round leaving scars, collecting your jars of hearts. you're going to catch a cold from the ice inside your soul.

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I want to pick up the phone to call you, but I don't cause I'm afraid you'll reject me.

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Inspired by the BBC Booklist!
These are the books I hope to read this year!

1. Pride and Prejudice
2. Jane Eyre
3. To Kill a Mockingbird
4. The Time Traveler's Wife
5. Alice in Wonderland
6. David Copperfield
7. The Chronicles of Narnia
8. Kite Runner
9. Memoirs of a Geisha
10. The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night Time
11.Of Mice and Men
12. Bridget Jones' Diary
13. The Little Prince
14. The Three Musketeers
15. Shakespeare's Stuff
16. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
17. Les Miserables

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love like you'll never get hurt,
sing like no one's hearing,
dance like no one's watching,
love like there's no tomorrow.

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a beautiful relationship does not depend on how well we understand someone but how well we manage the misunderstandings.

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say you'll be careful with my heart.

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Today I was looking at my class photo.

and i thought, " at the end of four years together as a class, if I asked you to write me an autograph of a note wishing me well for the future, would you know me enough to write something?"

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what if during the time you weren't here I've learnt to live without you?

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I miss you to death.

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Shakesphere.
Shakespere.
Shakespeare.

Today, I realized I never knew how Shakespeare was spelt.

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do you have the key to my heart?

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It's not possible to be happy when the person telling you to be happy is the person who's making you sad.

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dear you,
i miss you so much.

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If I haven't expressed to you my hatred for the winner of ANTM cycle 13, Nicole, I'm telling you now.

I absolutely hate her.
She sucks.
I think she's retarded.
And abnormal.
She has slow reaction (maybe not, but it looks slow due to her lack of emotion).
She's too nice.
And she's emotionless.
Which makes her retarded.
She's autistic and has slow reaction.
And she's fake.
She sucks.

End of Story.

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I'VE JUST REALIZED THAT IF I DON'T START STUDYING SOON, PEOPLE WHO I'VE NEVER EXPECTED TO PWN ME WILL. LIKE VERY SOON.

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Meredith to Xin Yi: Why are you yawning? What is your sleeping time?

Paveta (typing): This is due to the clear visuals which allow students to sleep.

Actual: This is due to the clear visuals which allow students to form a clear picture in their mind.

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I changed a car tyre today.
It was awesome. :D

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An awesome analogy to metallic bonding!

click on the picture to view it!

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this picture wins the best picture of all time.
H.A.N.D.S. D.O.W.N.


look at the amazing way the clarity and clouds of the sky are.
look at the amazing way the sky is blended into the field.
look at the amazing way the green grass of the field stand out.
look at the amazing way NJC is positioned in the far background.
look at the amazing way the lines on the grass intersect at random places.
LOOK AT LUKE'S POSING.
LOOK AT LUKE'S TIGHTNESS OF SLACKS.
LOOK AT LUKE'S TORN SLACKS.

true awesome.

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According to my mum,
my laptop makes me fail.

Therefore, when I fail it’s the laptop’s fault, when I do well it’s my luck.

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THE TRUE RETARDEDNESS OF SOME PEOPLE.
by xxxxxx and Rachel.
____________________________________________________

friend says (11:25 PM):
Megan fox is a tranny
damn shes a man
Rachel. says (11:26 PM):
what's a tranny?
friend says (11:26 PM):
transvestite
Rachel. says (11:27 PM):
seriously?
who's gonna believe you?
friend says (11:27 PM):
ya i lie for what
ah f*** la forget it tell u
http://weeklyworldnews.com/celebs/4783/megan-fox-is-a-man/
what who believe me, is people all tell me
Rachel. said (11:28 PM):
haha seriously
Rachel. said (11:29 PM):
DUDE
that website is some loser shit website can
friend says (11:30 PM):
dun believe lor, never ask u believe right
Rachel. says (11:30 PM):
yes i don't believe :D

____________________________________________________

Seriously, if you go the website, don't be deceived by its
trying-to-look-like-today(or the straits times) layout.
Observe the logo. -is that a monkey?
And the heading. -gossip, and aliens?
GOSH, START THINKING PROPERLY!
Oh, wait. No 'properly'.
START THINKING.

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Once there were 2 female avatar friends.
They played together since level 1.
Finally after so many years they decided to meet up.
When the met up, they realized both were guys. :D

How hilarious.

The truth about MMORPG games :D

M any
M men
O nline
R ole
P laying
as
G irls

Funny. :D
Learnt it during cyberwellness talk!

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HAPPY BIRTHDAY PHOEBE!
Today Phoebe's mum called Chinghan because she wanted to plan a surprise party for Phoebe. So we had to cancel all our previously arranged plans with Phoebe.Paveta, Xinyi and I had to pretend we had chemistry busking so we couldn't make it today.

Phoebe believed we really cancelled on her.

So at about 3+ we came to her house to surprise her. :D

After cutting cake at her house, and we gave her her half done present! It was a burn book in the form of a photo album. The outside was done just that the instructions inside were not written yet. I had one too! Haha delayed birthday present.





























this is my book!^
(when you put your face at the mirror you're supposed to see yourself wearing the crown!)

Then Phoebe, Chinghan, Paveta, Pam and I went to Vivo. Xinyi had to leave because she couldn't get home that late.
We ate at some Japanese Gourmet Town place. And i think that the name is way overated. Gourmet. Interesting.

Then we went shopping!
And we made Chinghan and Pam try on some stuff at Zara.
























Chinghan in a dress!^






























Pam (who tried on a girlish blouse as a trade with Chinghan to wear the red dress but claimed it was translucent so I didn't get a picture) wearing sunglasses^

And Phoebe got me a pair of skinnies!
Haha my first pair of skinnies.

And i owe Phoebe a present!

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